Meet the Newtons
by aliceluvsjasper
Summary: Ever wondered what happened to Mike Newton? This is the story of his grandchild- Eric Newton, and how his girlfriend's relatives try to kill him! Credit to my friend Shadi who helped me create this hilarious story. BTW- I don't own twilight!
1. Edward and Jacob Meet the Boyfriend

Meet the Newtons

Their Family:

Carlisle is with Esme, and they have 5 adopted children who live together. Their names are Emmett, Edward, and Alice Cullen, and Rosalie and Jasper Hale. Emmett loves Rosalie, Alice loves Jasper, and Edward loves Bella. Edward and Bella have a child named Renesmee who loves Jacob Black. They have a child named Anika Black. Anika is ¼ vampire, ¼ human, and ½ werewolf. She doesn't have a special vampire gift, but she possesses most of the good parts about all 3 creatures. She is strong, fast, and has good hearing skills like a vampire, although she isn't venomous, she never needs to wear a jacket and doesn't feel bloodthirsty- like a werewolf, and she appears completely human, even when using vampire or werewolf skills. She has a boyfriend named Eric Newton, who is the grandchild of Lauren and Mike Newton – Edward's worst enemy of all time.

* * *

"My parents are gonna love you!" Anika said excitedly.

"I'm not exactly sure about that," Eric muttered, running his fingers through his messy hair.

Anika led her boyfriend to the door. Emmett kicked the door open, breaking it off its hinges.

"Hey, Anika!" He noticed Eric standing behind her and laughed. "Are you planning on painting your nails with your friend here?"

"Shut up, Emmett." Anika never found it necessary to call him "Great Uncle". It sounded completely wrong. "Where are mom and dad?"

"They're in the living room with Bells and Eddie-poo." Anika rolled her eyes at Edward's ridiculous nickname.

"Come on, Eric. Let's go." She grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the living room. Bella and Edward were on the couch watching as Jacob flipped channels on the TV. Renesmee was hanging up new paintings on the wall in the hallway.

"Hi, mom. This is Eric." She was reluctant to mention the fact that he was her boyfriend in front of her parents. "Eric Newton." she added when no one reacted.

Edward casually sipped his drink, and then turned to face Eric. "So, Eric, do you happen to know anyone by the name of Mike Newton?"

"Um, yeah, he's my grandfather." Eric stared down at his shoes.

Edward chuckled. _Nice choice, Anna, _he thought. _It's such a shame I'll have to dispose of him… _He silently laughed malevolently.

"EDWARD!" Jasper thought to him from the kitchen. "Calm down!"

_Why is Edward so unhappy? _Eric thought.

_What an idiot. He wonders why I'm unhappy when he's around. _Edward licked his lips hungrily. _I know I made a commitment to staying vegetarian, but I am willing to give that up if it's for a good cause! _Bella gave him a concerned look.

"Edward, is there something wrong?" she whispered, too softly for Eric to hear.

"No, not at all!" He said loudly. Anika stifled a laugh. Eric looked too scared to even smile.

_What the hell is my daughter doing with that bastard?!?! _Jacob thought.

"Yeah, seriously! I'm planning on killing him before Anika falls in love with the idiot." said Edward under his breath.

Suddenly Alice burst in. "Hey everyone!" She turned to Anika. "Wanna go shopping with me? Wait a minute, why does it smell like humans in here? Oh." She frowned, noticing Eric. "Who's that?" she asked, disapproving of his mismatched clothing.

"Um, I think I have to go." _Man, Anika's got some freaky relatives, _he thought.

_Freaky? FREAKY?! _Edward thought angrily. _HE'LL be the freak if he's still alive in a few minutes! _He growled.

Eric frantically ran to the door. "Oh, no!" He looked down at his wrist. _Crap. I'm not even wearing a watch today,_ he thought. "Uh, I think I have an appointment to go to at two, so I'll be going now. Bye, Anika!" He left and shut the door behind him.

"Hey, Edward. Can I talk to you for a second?" Jacob got up and motioned toward the stairs. Edward got up and followed him.

Once they were out of sight, Jacob spoke. "We have to get rid of this Newton kid. He's a threat to my daughter!"

"She's my granddaughter too!" Edward added. "How do you think we can get him killed without making it too noticeable?"

"We could always do the classic I-accidentally-ran-your-boyfriend-over-with-my-monster-truck-I-am-so-sorry method, but I have a feeling it won't go too well." Jacob sighed.

"That's actually not a bad idea. How about the Jacob-distracts-Anika-while-Edward-corners-Eric-in-a-dark-alley technique? Or the I-was-only-trying-to practice-taekwondo-with-your-son excuse?"

"Hang on, I'm still writing the first one down!"

Edward glanced at his gold watch. "I have to go now, dog. I'll meet you here at 10:00 tomorrow to review our plans. Okay?"

"Okay. And by the way, you stink." Jacob covered his nose to block out the smell.

"So do you, mutt."


	2. The Plan

Chapter 2- The Plan

11:30 a.m. the next morning-

Edward impatiently waited in the kitchen for Jacob to arrive.

"Cool it, Edward," Jasper said while putting a tray of cookies into the oven. "I'm sure he's on his way right now."

Emmett snickered. "You're so feminine, Jazz. What you need is a good long game of classic American football." Jasper punched his shoulder. "OW!" Emmett yelled scathingly.

"Shut up, you two. I can smell Jacob." Edward said, annoyed by his brothers.

Suddenly the front door flew open and was blown to the ground. "Hi everyone! Oops… sorry about your door…" said Jacob. His hair was dripping wet, and his shirt was buttoned wrong. "…and sorry I'm late. I slept in late, and Nessie insisted that I have breakfast before I left."

Emmett looked exasperated. "I just fixed that door yesterday!" Edward glared at him.

"No it's fine," Edward said through clenched teeth. "Why don't you come in and we'll talk in the kitchen."

"Um, okay. About the door, are you sure you don't want me to–"

"JUST. COME. NOW." Edward was losing his patience. _Why did werewolves have to smell so bad?_

Jacob quietly followed him into the kitchen and sat down in a wooden chair.

"So yeah, I made a list of the possible ways for the kid's death." Jacob pulled out a piece of loose leaf paper from his back pocket. The handwriting on it was very messy, and almost illegible. "Plan A," he read aloud. "Accidentally run him over with a monster truck."

Edward smirked. "Cross that one out. Monster trucks aren't elegant enough."

"Okay. Plan B, I distract Alice and Anika and then you jump out of the bushes and go for the kill."

"How are we going to get rid of the body?"

"Oh. Uh, we could forge a suicide note and I could throw the corpse off a cliff in La Push?"

"First of all, there's no way I'm going to reenact Bella's near-death experience, even if it's with a descendant of _Mike Newton_." Edward made the words "Mike Newton" sound disgusting.

"Second of all," he continued. "How are we going to explain the bite marks?"

_Bite marks? BITE MARKS? What is he thinking? Is he seriously thinking of doing that? _"Hey! I thought we were going to kill him cleanly!" Jacob exclaimed. "And besides, you're _supposed_ to be a vegetarian, remember?"

"I know, you idiot. But this is different. This is MIKE NEWTON'S grandkid. He doesn't count. No one but you and I are going to know about this, anyways."

"Okay, okay. Doesn't matter." He took a chewed up pencil out of his pocket and drew a jagged line across the page. "Plan C, invite him over for 'dinner'."

"Hmmm. Could work. What's plan D?" Edward leaned in to see what Jake had written but he straightened up again when he saw that the words could not be read.

"Just to give up murdering Eric Newton." Jacob said doubtfully. Edward growled. "Okay, then. I guess we'll go with Plan C. How does that sound?"

"We'll invite him over for dinner on Friday. That's the day after tomorrow." said Edward gruffly.

"Fine. I'll think of ways to get him cornered."

"I have an idea. How about we put laxatives in his food and wait for him in the bathroom?" Edward said eagerly. _Whoa. Did I actually say that?_ thought Edward.

_For a second I thought that was Emmett talking,_ thought Jacob."No, Edward! That's disgusting. When I said 'clean' I meant it both ways!" _Wait a minute. That's actually not a bad idea… _"Well," he said hesitantly. "Only if I get to do the killing."

Edward's mood changed again. "Fine, dog. You can go now." _What is happening to me?! _thought Edward. _Something suspicious is going on. _Edward heard a faint laughter coming from the living room.

_What's wrong with Edward? _Jacob thought. _He's probably gone mad because of his anger. Maybe I should take him to Jasper… Shoot - I should probably leave before he becomes violent._

"See ya." Jacob leaped off his chair and walked out the door.

Edward peeked around the corner of the living room doorway. Sure enough, Jasper and Alice were sitting on the couch laughing so hard that no sound came out of their mouths.

"What's the meaning of this?" Edward demanded.

"Jazz and I were just having fun," Alice persuaded.

"Jacob thought I was going crazy!" Edward fumed.

"Relax, relax." said Jasper. Edward found himself being involuntarily loosened up. "What were you two talking about anyways?"

"Jasper will you STOP DOING THAT!" Edward yelled. "And as if you didn't listen in on us."

"No, we seriously didn't. We were too busy cracking up over Jacob's reaction to your 'mood swings'." Jasper explained. He was telling the truth. Edward couldn't decide whether this was a good thing or a bad thing.

"It looked like you were going through puberty all over again!" added Alice, laughing along with him.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyways, I'm inviting Eric over for dinner on Friday. And Jacob Black."

"Why? Sudden mood change?" Jasper laughed at his unintended pun. "I thought you hated those two."

"Well I've been trying to act nicer to Eric." Edward lied. "After all, he's my granddaughter's boyfriend. And Jacob's actually not that bad. He just smells horrible." Edward grimaced, recalling the werewolf's odor.

"It sounds like _someone_'s got a bad case of B.O.," Jasper said.


	3. Dinner at the Cullens'

Chapter 3- Dinner at the Cullen's

"EDDIE!" Emmett called from downstairs. "Someone's at the door!"

Edward quickly fixed his shirt before flying down the stairs at vampire speed. He opened the door.

"Hey, dad!" Renesmee greeted him brightly.

Behind her was Anika. "I can't believe you're making me do this!" she muttered.

"It's for your own good," Edward said, really meaning it. "Now please excuse me, I have a few important matters to discuss with your father."

"Edward." said a husky voice. Jacob appeared out of the darkness. "You know what to do?"

"As always."

"Let's go inside. I'm cold."

"Yeah right, space heater." Edward muttered.

They went inside and had a few drinks until they heard the doorbell ring. _It must be Eric,_ thought Jacob. _I can't wait until midnight. _He rubbed his hands together maliciously.

Emmett answered the door. "Eric and Anika, sitting in a tree." he said in a sing-song voice. "M – A – K – I – N – G – O – U - T!"

Anika kicked him in the leg and invited Eric in.

"Hi Anika!" Eric embraced his girlfriend. _I really hope he stops doing that, _thought Edward from the corner of the room. _They're going to get too close! _He walked to where they were standing.

"Hello Eric." Edward said stiffly.

Eric let go of Anika and straightened his shirt. "Hi, Edward. Nice party you're having. Thanks for the invitation." Jacob bit his tongue to keep from laughing. _He's gonna regret saying that later…_

"It's a pleasure to have you here." _Not for long! _thought Edward cheerfully.

"Dinnertime!" sang Esme from the kitchen.

Everyone sat down at the large dining room table. _Go now, Edward! This is your chance! _thought Jacob to Edward.

Edward got up. "I have to er, get something from the kitchen." he announced awkwardly. He walked to the kitchen, feeling for the small bottle of laxative powder in his pocket. He chose a plate of food and sprinkled of the white powder on it. The moisture in the food immediately dissolved the medicine.

_Are you done yet?_ Jacob thought anxiously.

Edward picked two more plates of food for himself and Jacob as to not look suspicious, bringing food for only Eric. He brought them to the dining room table.

"Here, Eric. I brought you some food. You look starved!" Edward tried to act natural. _Eat up, boy, because this is going to be your last meal!_

He tossed one of the plates of food to Jacob, and sat down with one himself.

"Cheers," piped up Eric. "To Edward, for being such a good friend to me." _Maybe if I'm nice he'll leave me alone,_ he thought.

_Yeah, right. Cheers to your death, _thought Edward. He watched as Eric wolfed down his food, and tried to eat a few bites himself without throwing up.

_Enjoying the food, Edward?_ thought Jacob. Edward gave Jacob his shut-up-and-act-normal look.

"Hey, Edward! What's wrong with your face?" Jasper said loudly.

"What?" Edward looked around, self consciously.

"It looks like _someone_ ate too much grape jelly," Emmett said, thumping him on the back.

"Its okay, Edward. I still love you." Bella said seriously. She wrapped her arms around him.

"If you want, I can finish your food for you," Jacob said, taking Edward's plate.

"Yeah, thanks." Edward coughed.

"It's a good thing I have lots of concealer left over!" Alice said optimistically. Edward gave her a questioning look. "It's from when I got into a fight with a cashier at the mall last month," she explained.

"You'll be alright," Eric said sympathetically, patting him on the back. "Your face is only a little purple." Edward held back a snarl.

"Get him away from me!" Edward said under his breath to Jacob.

"Um, Eric? You probably shouldn't do that…" Jacob intervened. Eric looked at him confusedly. "Edward is, er, infected with a very dangerous disease."

"It's highly contagious!" Edward added. He sneezed violently for effect.

"Oh. Sorry." Eric backed away two steps. "What's it called?"

"Um, I can't remember. I think it's called Ebenesia syndrome or something like that." Jacob made up. Edward sneezed again.

_More like the I-will-kill-you-if-you-come-any-closer disease, _Edward thought. He coughed aggressively.

_Nice acting, Edward._ Jacob grinned at him.

"Those were real, Jake you idiot!" Edward said once Eric was gone.

"They were?" Jacob's eyes widened. Suddenly he groaned. "Oh, man. I have to use the bathroom, really bad." He groaned again.

"Then go!" Edward said. "Just hurry up and do it before Eric has to use the toilet."

15 minutes later, Jacob was still in the bathroom.


	4. Failure

Chapter 4- Failure

"JACOB!" Edward yelled, pounding on the bathroom door. "Get out _now_!"

He heard Jacob groan. "Ugh. I feel terrible. I don't think I'll be able to help you with Eric tonight."

Edward couldn't believe what he heard. _Jacob can't do that, _he thought worriedly. "No, Jacob, do not lose hope!"

Suddenly, he was pushed aside by an unseen force named Renesmee. "Jaaaaakie-pie?" She leaned in closer to the door.

"Nessie-pie!" Jacob's voice suddenly became more cheerful.

_Eugh._ Edward grimaced at their lovey-dovey nicknames.

"Come out and dance with me please?" she whined, slurring her words.

"Sure, anything for you, honey," Jacob said. He came out fifteen seconds later looking like he had just puked. Apparently it was okay with Renesmee because she took his hand and dragged him to the dance floor.

_I guess I'll have to do the dirty work myself. I should never have trusted the dog in the first place, _Edward thought. He went into the bathroom and crouched next to the doorway, ready to pounce.

He waited for 20 minutes, but no one came. _This is supposed to be Jacob's job!_ Edward thought angrily.

He waited for 25 more minutes, until he heard someone's footsteps outside the door. As soon as Edward saw the man step into the bathroom, he attacked.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Edward said while looking down at Jacob's bewildered face.

"I have to use the bathroom again." Edward stared at him, not moving an inch. Jacob rolled his eyes and said, "That means you get off of me. Now." Edward was as still as a statue and deep in thought, as if trying to figure something out. Jacob sat up, causing Edward to fall to the ground with a loud thump.

"Jacob." Edward's eyes turned to coal. "I-I think there's something wrong." His face stayed expressionless. "With our plan, I mean."

"Naaaah." Jacob said confidently. "You just watch. Eric'll be here in no time!"

"Have you been drinking?" Edward said suspiciously. "Because I've been waiting here for an hour and a half while you've been having fun. The laxative is supposed to work within 30 minutes, guaranteed." He paused. "Or your money back," He added.

Jacob's face lit up with a toothy grin. "Edward," he said, still smiling. "You're a genius."

Edward gave him a puzzled look.

"Duh. The medicine didn't work so now we can get our money back, and we get to keep the bottle because it's already used!"

Edward slapped Jacob on the back. "Let's go!" he said.

They climbed into Edward's Mercedes and drove to the grocery store. They walked inside the automated doors.

"How may I help you?" asked a saleswoman who clearly had too much makeup on.

Jacob started to speak, but Edward interfered. "Hi, I bought some medicine yesterday, but it didn't work. I was wondering if we could get our money back." He pointed to the label on the bottle.

"I'm sorry, but that guarantee is no longer –" Edward gave her a dazzling smile. She blushed.

_You really shouldn't do that unless you have to…_ Jacob thought.

"Oh, of course you can get your money back! Let me ring that up for you." She snatched the bottle from Edward. "What was I thinking?" she muttered to herself.

Edward and Jacob got their money back, and went home. Everyone was already gone except Renesmee and Anika.

"Where were you?!" Renesmee cried. "Come on everyone, let's get home. Ani has sports practice tomorrow morning!" She rushed Jacob out the door.

_I guess we'll have to do it later,_ Jacob said before disappearing into the night.

"Yeah." Edward mumbled to himself. "Later."

And so their fabulous plan was forgotten. For now, at least….

**Note to readers: I need some ideas for another plan to kill Eric! (think of a way the plan could go wrong) Please review….**


	5. A Walk in the Woods

Chapter 5- A Walk In the Woods

2:00 pm- Edward and Jacob texting:

Edward: I heard Eric was planning on taking a walk with Anika today at 4:00.

Jacob: ya so wat? ani's sick 2day.

Edward: I decided to invite us along to keep him company.

Jacob: haha ur a genius! dis time u kill him, k?

Edward: Of course. See you at 4. Goodbye.

Jacob: Bai! :)

2:00 pm- Eric's journal entry:

Dear Diary,

Oh. My. God.

I think I'm being stalked. By Anika's freaky cousin, Edward.

**(*******Note to readers: Edward poses as Anika's cousin so no one is suspicious.***)**

He and Anika's dad follow me around EVERYWHERE. I can't even go to the bathroom without being questioned!

Okay, here's the worst part. I was planning on going for a walk with Anika today; you know- maybe have a picnic dinner, then lie down in the grass and gaze at the stars. But unfortunately my date fell sick, and her cousin invited himself to come with me instead. With her dad. My worst nightmare!

I hope he doesn't do The Talk because that would be embarrassing…

Note To Self: Never EVER let Edward talk you into "hanging out" again!

Eric Newton

Edward watched as Jacob swerved into an empty parking spot. He was late, as usual. Jacob got out of his car and slammed the door behind him. He waved to Eric overenthusiastically. Edward rolled his eyes.

"Let's go," Edward said to Eric, who stumbled over a plant.

"I've got food!" Jacob said cheerfully, holding up a picnic basket.

"Shut up, Jake," Edward said under his breath. "Don't be friendly."

Jacob looked sullen.

They walked along the path into the woods. The trees were far apart, but further into the woods they were thicker, taller, and closer together.

They had been walking for 15 minutes in silence when suddenly Edward announced, "I have to go pee. You guys keep going without me. I'll catch up."

Jacob lead Eric to a clearing. "This is a good picnic spot! Lemme go find a picnic table. I know there's one somewhere around here…" He wandered off, leaving Eric alone.

Edward crawled behind him slowly. He hid behind a bush and waited for the right moment. Suddenly, he jumped up and yelled, "BOO!"

What Edward anticipated:

Edward creeps up behind Eric. All of a sudden, Edward roars and pounces on him, killing the idiot. The blood oozes out of his chest slowly. The End.

What Jacob Anticipated:

Edward creeps up behind Eric, then pounces. Edward completely misses his target. Jake comes to the rescue! He kicks Edward out of the way and throws a picnic table at Eric. He dies. Everyone comes out from behind the trees and applauds. The End.

What Really Happens:

Edward crawled behind him slowly. He hid behind a bush and waited for the right moment. Suddenly, he jumped up out of the bushes and yelled, "BOO!"

Eric turned around swiftly. "Hello there, Edward!" His eyes went from Edward's twisted face to the dagger in his hand. "Watcha got there?"

Edward pulled off his dark hood and quickly replied, "Oh, um, nothing! Nothing at all!" He dropped the knife. _You are such an idiot,_ he thought to himself. "Oh… you mean this?" He held it up, dangerously close to Eric's face. "I was just…um…uh… About to cut the vegetables!" Edward grabbed some tomatoes out of the picnic basket and made a show of putting together some sandwiches.

"Oh, Edward! How nice! You made us our sandwiches!" Jacob said, holding a table over his head. Eric stared. Jacob quietly put the table on the ground the way criminals put their guns on the table. '_Why did you make a sandwich for the kid?' _he thought to Edward. _'He's gonna die anyways! Oh, well. More for me!'_

Edward excused Jacob and himself. He pulled Jacob behind a tree. "Listen. This kid is smart. Really smart. He knows what he's doing. I have a feeling he's part of the CIA. Or even worse. He could be a spy for the Volturi!"

"WHAT? YOU HAVEN'T KILLED HIM YET!" Jacob yelled. "HOW COULD YOU NOT KILL HIM! HE'S A HUMAN, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!"

"Shut up, Eric's looking." Edward smacked Jacob's arm. "We'll think of a plan. Soon. This time he won't survive."


	6. The Search

Chapter 6- The Search

"Come in, Space Heater. Repeat, come in. Testing, testing, 123!" Edward's voice sounded rough through the walkie-talkie.

"Shut up, Frozen One." Jacob added, "Can I change my code name?"

"No. If you can remember that far back, we agreed approximately an hour ago that we could choose each other's names, _Space Heater_."

"Fine. Whatever."

Suddenly Eric's door opened and he walked out. Edward and Jacob shifted restlessly in their small hiding spots. Edward was on the ceiling of the hallway, his strong arms spread out wide against the walls for support, and Jacob was crammed in the space between the back of a chair and the wall.

"We really should have switched spots," Jacob muttered after Eric was gone. He pulled a wad of sticky gum off the front of his shirt. Edward snickered.

"No time to waste! Let's investigate." Edward said, pushing open the door.

They peeked inside, afraid of what could possibly be in Eric Newton's bedroom.

Jacob ducked underneath the doorway and tiptoed in. Eric's room consisted of a bed, a desk and chair, a closet, and some curtains. The whole room was freakishly organized and squeaky clean. The bed looked as though no one had ever slept in it, and the desk was completely spotless.

Edward elbowed Jacob. "You could really learn from this boy. Your garage is filthy!"

Jacob ignored him, drawn by a piece of paper sitting on- the plain wooden desk. He stepped closer and carefully picked it up.

It read:

I have the information. Please do not worry. I will get it to you before Sunday.

Eric

The letter was not addressed to anyone, and it was written in extremely small lettering.

Edward read over Jacob's shoulder and snatched it out of Jacob's hands.

"Yes!" he sang. He stopped and looked around cautiously. He whispered, "Jake, this is it! This is all the evidence we need. Eric is helping the Volturi, I'm sure of it!"

"Uh, Ed – "Jacob began, but he was interrupted by a voice right outside the door.

"Quick! Hide!" Edward whispered, putting the paper back on the desk. He dove into the open closet. Jacob hastily looked around, and then rolled under the bed right as the door opened.

From Jacob's hiding spot he could see Eric walk in. Eric dropped something on his desk, scribbled something on a piece of paper, fumbled around with his cell phone, and then ran out the door.

Edward got out of the closet and picked up the letter. +


End file.
